Beautiful.......

Well, the day we have all been dreading has come.  When Michalla was told by the doctors she had cancer she didn't ask if she was going to die. She asked if she was going to lose her hair. Not only does Michalla have great hair, but she places a lot of value in her hair.  She is in hair school as a matter of fact.  Hair is her life.  She has done hair and obsessed over hair since she was a little girl.

Two days ago when I helped her shower and wash her hair a lot of hair came out when we brushed it.  More than normal.  Yesterday you could pull it out by the handfulls.  Her bed and clothing were covered in hair.  Last night she made the decision that today she was going to shave it and get it over with.

Originally she wanted a shaving "party". She wanted to have all her siblings here and make a big deal of it.  When we asked Cambri if she wanted to come she started to cry. She just couldn't do it. Faith ended up bailing at the last minute.  It ended up that only Megan came.  Heather Morely (a family friend) was also here.  She brought up a wig that was so generously purchased by some dear friends (thanks Kara, Christie, Beth, Nanette and Katie) and a scarf she bought for Michalla.  Jeff, my brother, also came over as he had class next door at the U.

When it came right down to it, she totally melted down.  I can't blame her. She didn't want a "party" after all.  She just wanted everyone to leave.  She couldn't bear the thought of anyone watching her. I asked everyone to leave. Before we started shaving, Michalla and I were looking at her Ipad (thank you so much generous ward members!) at some ways to tie scarfs. The clock turned to 11:11. Some how this number always comes up in big moments. I pointed it out to Michalla and kissed Michalla on the cheek. To be honest, she wasn't sentimental all. She actually got mad at me for kissing her because her skin is so tender  - I guess I hurt her. Oh well, I wasn't going to let the moment pass.  

Heather ended up standing guard outside the door so no nurses and doctors could enter.  Trust me, this is no easy feat. Someone comes in this room about every 2 minutes.  The only people she wanted in the room where her dad and I. I asked if we could say a prayer and I said a prayer that the comforter would be with Michalla through this and that she would be strong and courageous and feel the love from everyone around her.

Rich shaved her head while I held her hand.  The hand holding didn't last long as she needed her hand to continually blow her nose and wipe her eyes - she was crying so hard.  As a mom, it has never been so hard to watch anything in my life.  I watched 2 1/2 weeks ago as they did a bone marrow extraction from Michalla's back while she was still awake and crying in pain that she could feel it.  This was harder to watch. Michalla actually said to me "Quit crying Mom!"

As she was sitting there crying, I told her that I had never seen a braver person in my whole life; that she was stronger and more courageous than anyone I knew and that Heavenly Father knew how strong she was too.  He knew she could do this!  I also took pics that I promised not to show anyone.  She wasn't thrilled with this but I told her she was going to want to show her kids someday because this trumps walking uphill in the snow 5 miles to school anyday.  I told her 10 years from now when she was giving a lesson in Relief Society on trials or hard things in life she was going to want to show these pictures. So to keep my word there will be no pics posted here.

As Rich was shaving - she is completely devistated. She kept saying things like "I look so ugly."  "The nurses are going to judge me" (I guess she forgets we are in the cancer wing and every other kid in here is bald :))  "It feels so weird." "It hurts" (her skin is super tender as a chemo side effect).  "I never want anyone to see me again."  "Is my head shaped weird?"  When she reached up to feel her head and felt the stubble it was even harder.

After Rich was done, she went into the bathroom without looking in the mirror. She asked us to pick up and throw away any evidence of hair, etc. We put the scarf Heather had brought her around her head and she got into bed.  It has been 8 hours and she still has not looked in a mirror.  She looks the other way when she walks past it. I told her she looked really cute.  She asked me if she looked like someone that has cancer.  I answered her "Yah, you kinda do look like someone who has cancer but that is ok cuz you kinda do have cancer."

She asked me to tell everyone to not mention her hair or the scarfs or anything about it.  One of the nurses actually put a sign on the door saying just that. She wants people that see her to just act normal and not ask her how she is feeling about it or coping with it. Several people have wanted to see her today but she tells me she doesn't want to see anyone ever again because she doesn't want anyone to see her this way.  Hearing that breaks my heart.

I hope in time, sooner than later, she will realize that it is her beauty on the inside that people love and not just her outside beauty. Tonight, as she lays in her bed sleeping with the scarf wrapped around her head, I have never seen a more beautiful young woman.  I am proud to call her my daughter!